AARRGGHHH Reset me to Day One

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHH.

It happened again.

Reset me to Day One. I relapsed big time. After vowing for the umpteenth time that I was done with this food addiction once and for all, I gave in. Over the past week, I have devoured:

-- A wood-fired pepperoni pizza that wasn't even that good but I ate because I haven't "gotten to" eat pizza for so long
-- A $7 package of butter cookies that are my favorite brand that I specifically went shopping at the store where they are sold so I could buy them (though I told myself I wouldn't)
-- 3/4 of a bag of tortilla chips that weren't even that good but I no longer have an off switch so I just ate until I was embarrassed at how much I'd eaten.
-- A "fun-size" bag of cheese crackers and a "fun-size" bag of chocolate chip cookies that I bought because they are portion-controlled. Then an entire box of Wheat Thins.

It feels like I'm just shoveling food in my mouth to make the feelings go away.

I give up. I can't deal with this sobriety thing on my own. I surrender to the plan. I surrender to my higher power.

I cannot have just one bite

I cannot have just one bite.

I cannot have just one bite.

My affirmation calendar today says, "Life is tough, my darling, but so are you."

So. How am I going to turn things around?

-- Blog here every day about my journey and not pretend to know all the answers. I've researched a lot and I have read a lot. The facts are not in questions. But I need to be honest about what I'm going through. I need to be accountable here.

-- I need to VIGOROUSLY pursue ways to comfort myself when I don't know what's wrong. I am currently make a list of things to do and I publicly vow here to do so.

-- I need a penpal to report to twice a day about my sobriety

-- I need to bookend every morning and every night honestly about what I'm eating and whether I'm successful. Honestly.

-- I need to use my tools on a daily basis and vigorously pursue my nightly checklist.

I am, in short, using the tools I've used in the past AND adding more tools to the list.

Committing here and now that today will be a sober and clean Bright Line Eating day.

Phew. Sigh. Big lump in my throat at the rawness and honestly.

We suck at giving ourselves credit

My niece, who I love to pieces, was in town yesterday so my mother and I took her out to dinner. We wanted to go somewhere special, so we picked a fondue place. She’d never had fondue before — and I knew they’d have lots of veggies and meat — so it seemed a great pick.

And yet, even after doing Bright Line Eating for months, I still had thoughts running through my brain as I was driving there, “Should I have a glass of wine with dinner, just one?” “Should I have a few bits of bread in the cheese, if I don’t eat any of the chocolate?” “Should I just try the chocolate — how often do you have fondue?”

Arrrrgggggh!

Come on, I wanted to scream. Stop with the damn food thoughts.

This soon escalated into, “why am I still having these thoughts? What is the matter with me? Why can’t I just commit to no sugar and no flour and stay with it? I am NEVER going to reach my weight goals. I am NEVER going to be able to do this.” All I can think about is how far I still have to go.

Yeah, I need to give myself a break.

It’s normal. The problem with focusing on how far I still have to go, is that it keeps me from seeing how far I’ve come.

Honestly, I suck at giving myself credit for the things I’ve achieved in BLE. Sigh.

Here is what I’ve accomplished:

— I can now go 4-6 hours pretty easily without overwhelming hunger. When I get up in the morning, I’m not ravenously hungry and it’s easy to wait until 7 for breakfast. For my first six months trying to do BLE, the hunger was nearly constant and interfered with my life. Looking back at my journal, I was usually hungry within 1-2 hours after a meal. For months.

— I no longer crave dessert after lunch and after dinner. It rarely even occurs to me. I went most of my life with a constant, everyday dessert habit so this is a massive change.

— Fresh vegetables now taste delicious. When I think of what I’d like for dinner, the meals that pop into my head are the ones with lots of veggies. Never thought that’d be possible.

— I've learned to love tons of new kinds of veggies, like roasted broccoli and grilled corn and crunchy fresh cabbage. I used to only eat carrots, sugar-snap peas and bell peppers — and then, only rarely.

— I've gotten into a regular meditation practice. I actually lookforward to it and do 10-20 minutes of meditation daily

— I notice little things throughout the day to be grateful for. Knowing that I will be writing down 3 gratitudes every night keeps me aware of them during the day. It’s a huge thought-process change.

— I'm giving my body nutrients it needs to be healthy and strong. Giving myself the gift of a longer life and a greater possibility of avoiding diseases that often hit people whose diet is heavily in sugar, flour, and processed foods.

— I've saved a ton of money by packing my own lunch (and even dinner) regularly rather than grabbing a restaurant meal.

I’ve come far since October 2016. So I’m giving myself credit for all these achievements. Yes, I still have a long way to go. And yes, I'm still strugging to get squeaky clean bright lines every day. But I’ve come pretty far and that deserves a little pat on the back.

No Day Is So Bad You Can’t Make it Worse By Adding Sugar

One thing you have to remember if you’re trying to give up sugar:

No day is so bad that you can’t make it worse by adding sugar to it.

No day is so crappy it can’t be made crappier by adding sugar to it.

We think that adding some sugar (or flour or nuts or popcorn or whatever our own personal food devil it is), will bring soothing and happiness to our lives.

But it’s actually just the opposite. When you add crap to a crappy day, you make it crappier. You give yourself more fat, a headache, guilt, regret — a string of unpleasant, bad, unwanted feelings.

Remember that next time you’re having a bad day and think eating will make you feel better. Adding sugar to anything doesn’t make it better. It makes it worse.