AARRGGHHH Reset me to Day One

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHH.

It happened again.

Reset me to Day One. I relapsed big time. After vowing for the umpteenth time that I was done with this food addiction once and for all, I gave in. Over the past week, I have devoured:

-- A wood-fired pepperoni pizza that wasn't even that good but I ate because I haven't "gotten to" eat pizza for so long
-- A $7 package of butter cookies that are my favorite brand that I specifically went shopping at the store where they are sold so I could buy them (though I told myself I wouldn't)
-- 3/4 of a bag of tortilla chips that weren't even that good but I no longer have an off switch so I just ate until I was embarrassed at how much I'd eaten.
-- A "fun-size" bag of cheese crackers and a "fun-size" bag of chocolate chip cookies that I bought because they are portion-controlled. Then an entire box of Wheat Thins.

It feels like I'm just shoveling food in my mouth to make the feelings go away.

I give up. I can't deal with this sobriety thing on my own. I surrender to the plan. I surrender to my higher power.

I cannot have just one bite

I cannot have just one bite.

I cannot have just one bite.

My affirmation calendar today says, "Life is tough, my darling, but so are you."

So. How am I going to turn things around?

-- Blog here every day about my journey and not pretend to know all the answers. I've researched a lot and I have read a lot. The facts are not in questions. But I need to be honest about what I'm going through. I need to be accountable here.

-- I need to VIGOROUSLY pursue ways to comfort myself when I don't know what's wrong. I am currently make a list of things to do and I publicly vow here to do so.

-- I need a penpal to report to twice a day about my sobriety

-- I need to bookend every morning and every night honestly about what I'm eating and whether I'm successful. Honestly.

-- I need to use my tools on a daily basis and vigorously pursue my nightly checklist.

I am, in short, using the tools I've used in the past AND adding more tools to the list.

Committing here and now that today will be a sober and clean Bright Line Eating day.

Phew. Sigh. Big lump in my throat at the rawness and honestly.