My mind today keeps pondering over something a fellow food addict said to me once, "Nothing brings me joy the way food does."
This idea keeps coming up in my mind over and over again. That food is not just a shortcut to joy and happiness, but is the only pathway to happiness.
If life is a pendulum -- you can't experience true peace without knowing trauma, you can't feel joy without knowing what pain is -- then maybe I have been putting food too much on the "happy" side of the pendulum. Maybe I need someway to convince myself that food belongs in the negative category. That it is in abstinence that I find joy, not in overeating.
In that vein, here is a portrait of me when I am stuck in over-eating:
The "Before" Me, Where Eating Equals Pain
I am deeply embarrassed by my inability to control my eating. Empty wrappers and containers litter my car, hidden from my family do they won't know how much I'm eating. I worry all the time that my fat is straining against my clothes -- or that I won't be able to fit into the clothing I need for work. Headaches come all the time. My face looks bloated. My out-of-control eating behavior is increasing and I feel powerless to stop it. I hide my eating, I steal food from my husband's stash. I believe food is necessary to help me deal with uncomfortable feelings. I worry that I'll develop diabetes, dementia, Alzheimer's, high blood pressure, and heart disease. I am sick of not living up to my promises to stick to my no-sugar, no-flour food plan. I am sick of restarting this food plan over and over, only to fail again. I am sick of using food to escape my depression. I don't want to be that person.
and here's my vision of me transformed:
The "New" Me, Where Abstinence Equals Immense Joy
Every day, I wake up so proud of myself for abstaining from sugar and flour and feeling excited and energetic about making my life the best it can be. I am grateful for the lessons I learned in solving my food issues and passionate about creating the life I've always dreamed about -- one where I am confident, trust myself, and handle challenges with ease. I am full of life, love, and energy. I radiate as bright as the sun. I am strong, slim, and self-confident. The more I fuel my body with healthful things, the more alive I become. Living without sugar and flour is just so much more joyful. If I am feeling down and need a jolt of joy, a walk in the woods or a warm bath with scented candles and a good book soothe me better than food ever did. I am immensely grateful for all my relapses for the learning and beautiful gifts they gave me. I am so proud of myself.
OK, these feel really corny.
But they also feel really true.
I do wake up the morning after a binge feeling bloated, headachy and lethargic. And I do wake up on abstinent mornings feeling energetic and rested. I might have gotten the same 7 hours of sleep or whatever, but abstinent me is joyful. This is a pretty powerful brain shift.
If I can hold these images in my head, maybe they can help me rewire my brain to place abstinence in the "joy" category permanently.
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