Abstinent Treats Part Two: Why You Need to Treat Yourself

My previous post was about how you can use daily treats as a tool to reward yourself for daily practice. In my view, abstinent treats are an important, much-needed pat on the back for the hard work of daily abstinent accomplishments.

But there's also another way you can use abstinent treats.

When you were over-eating, you probably had days when a co-worker pissed you off, or your sister-in-law said something nasty, or your kid screamed at you, and your first instinct was to eat over it. You also probably had days were something went awesome -- a work promotion! a graduation! birthday! The weekend! Tuesday night! -- and you ate over that as well.

Us over-eaters tended to use food as our "special treat" whenever we needed a little boost.

Obviously, if you're recovering from over-eating, you don't want to keep doing this. Numbing yourself out with food and drowning your emotions isn't healthy, either for your body or your mind. You need to develop new, healthful ways to bring joy and peace and happiness to your life.

And this is where abstinent treats can also be a powerful tool.

The same abstinent treats you might use as gold stars and pats on the back for daily practice, also work to help ANY time you are getting through something that stirs up big emotions.

Again, there are a few basic ground rules:

1. Do it even if you think it won't work.

I had a friend once say "nothing else gives me any joy but food." That's exactly why she needed to reward herself with abstinent treats.

Our brains are remarkably open to rewiring. You can rewire your brain so that when something emotional hits, it starts to crave something besides food.

Think of this as training your brain to crave healthy treats -- things that genuinely soothe you, rather than just numb out the emotions. Many of us turned to over-eating because we never really learned how to self-soothe and care for ourselves in any way but by using food. 

So … Have a nasty run-in with a co-worker? Go treat yourself to a sweaty intense work-out.

Celebrating your birthday? Splurge on a fancy massage at the local spa.

Got through a family potluck gathering without any of the sugar-y or snack-y foods that weren't part of your eating plan? Reward yourself with a new body cream in that fragrance you love.

Come home from a long day of work and errands? Treat yourself to cozy pjs and a great mindless romance movie.

These are things that are genuinely proven to soothe you and help you manage your emotions, rather than just drowning them out.

2. Do it even if it feels silly.

You might start to think "oh, come on, I don't need to treat myself to a cup of my favorite tea just because I got through my nephew's birthday party without eating any cake." 

Yes, actually, you do. You need to have that treat, and as you're having it say to yourself "this is my treat for getting through my nephew's birthday party without cake." 

I'm naturally introverted and getting through any big work-related networking event depletes me. So if I've got something like that on my calendar, I figure out a treat for myself once I get through it without eating off my food plan. "Once I get home from this event without having eaten anything, I get to spend 20 minutes soaking in a warm tub with my new bath oil."

Because if you've been an over-eating for a long time, getting through difficult event without over-eating is really, really hard to do. 

You need to explicitly pat yourself on the back for hard work in order for your brain to associate doing something like that with positive feelings, not deprivation. You need to reward yourself for doing something difficult.

3. It can't be food. It can't be food. It can't be food.

Obviously. And it also can't be alcohol or cigarettes or anything else that tends to numb you out rather than genuinely care for yourself. It has to be healthy and good for you.

4. It has to be special to you.

As with daily treats, it has to be joyful to you. If you hate massages, don't get a massage. If working out makes your skin crawl, don't do a workout. 

The idea isn't to force yourself to do a self-care activity that you hate. You're not trying to wrestle yourself into "I am soothing myself, dammit." 

What you're trying to do is to rewire your brain to immediately look for something pleasurable and soothing and happy when your emotions are going haywire.

Because I'm not eating sugar and flour today ...

When you stop eating crap, it's a negative. You've removed something. But you've also added a lot. You've freed up your brainpower, your energy, your health.

Sometimes it helps me to step back and notice all the little things I'm doing today because I'm not messing up my brain with sugar and flour.

So here's today's challenge:

Finish this sentence:

Because I'm not eating sugar and flour today, I ...

• got everything on my to-do list finished by 11 a.m.
• returned all my work emails quickly and without a lot of stress
• finished an essay that has been hanging over my head for a few weeks
• packed up and mailed off to a consignment store clothes that no longer fit me (WIN!)
• decluttered and tidied up a lot of papers around the house that have been piling up
• took a long walk with my pugs and enjoyed the fresh fall air

Not actually me walking a pug. But in my mind, it totally is.

Every time you give up something, you add something to your life. In the case of sugar and flour, when you give them up, you add a LOT to your life.

A wobbly return and plans for a Super SeptemBLE

Oh man, do I ever need to remind myself how hard it is to resume! Really, really hard. Like, super hard.

Once the door to overeating is open, it feels like wolfie just leaps in and it's so so hard to stop.

So I'm going to do an experiment for September 2018.

I'm calling it my "Super Septemb-BLE" (the BLE meaning I'm aiming for a September of squeaky clean Bright Line Eating -- and if you don't know BLE, go Google it right now because it's amazing).

Here is the plan and my commitment to all of you that I will follow it:

Existing tools that I will continue to use:
-- Daily post either here on this blog or on social media
-- Daily reading of something spiritual or uplifting
-- Daily meditation of at least 10 minutes
-- 3 daily gratitudes in gratitude journal
-- Daily listening to an audio related to my recovery
-- Daily self-care practice (see list below)
-- Daily nightly checklist completion

New tools that I am adding in:

-- Find a BLE buddy or penpal

-- Sober Treats to mark significant accomplishment days because this thing is hard and I need to congratulation myself (big and bold items are bigger items for significant "milestone marker" days).

1 – Polish Pottery mug from eBay

2 – Hamsa hand keychain from Natural Life catalog

3 – Artful Home catalog item

4 – Bath Body Works scented hand soap

5 – white fluffy flowers

6 – take-out chicken schwarma

7 – Modcloth earrings

10 – Artful Home item

14 -- Massage

15 – Farmers Market run

20 – Thai food takeout

21 – Outfit from Title Nine

25 – Self-care day at spa

30 – Canvas beach wall art

[50 – Schedule 50^th birthday vacation]

 My aim is for the month of September, but if I go the entire 30 days with bright lines, I am going to extend it to 50 days.

SELF-CARE DAILY PRACTICE IDEAS

n  Take a bath

n  Go for a walk outside

n  Jam to a confidence song

n  Get a massage

n  Do a yoga video

n Get a pedicure

n  Get your eyebrows/lips done

n  Clean something out

n  Plan a vacation

n  Plan a knitting project

n  Watch a new Netflix show

n  Read a great book that’s not work-related

n  Attend a Soderworld (spa/meditation center) event

Overall: the goal for September is to aim for low-stress. Underwhelm. Say no to anything inessential and just focus on my sticking to my bright lines, eating well, and taking superior care of myself. 

Here we go … it's 10 a.m. on Sept. 1, 2018 as I write this, so the first four hours of my Super Septem-BLE are already done and under the belt. I have four hours of BLE momentum going. Let's make it 20 more and my first day of the month done!!

Inspirational image to guide this month:

Inspirational self-love quote for the day

Be the love you never received.
-- Rune Lazuli

Inspirational self-love quote for the day

It's not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and make your happiness a priority. It's a necessity.
-- Mandy Hale

Inspirational self-love quote for the day

You can't hate yourself happy. You can't criticize yourself thin. You can't shame yourself worthy. Real change begins with self-love and self-care.
-- Jessica Ortner

Self-Care Idea: The Pregnancy Principle

Why is it so hard for many of us to practice self-care?

Maybe there’s something about people who turn to food that makes us want to take care of others before ourselves. All. The. Frigging. Time.

One of the most life-changing things about doing BLE is that you almost have to learn to practice self-care. You have to eliminate anything that feeds the driving need to pick up food.

As I’ve been struggling over and over to resume, I came across a super helpful article by a sober blogger about how to take care of yourself in the early days of recovery process. It’s by Laura McKowen and called the “Pregnancy Principle.” (I’ll link to the article below).

She’s talking about the early days of alcohol sobriety, but the idea works just as well for thinking about the early days of a serious BLE resume. (In reading her article, I just substituted "food" whenever she says "alcohol.")

The idea is this: Imagine how you would take care of yourself if you were pregnant. When your well-being comes first. No one asks a pregnant woman why she's being careful with her energy and her time. At this hard time in your life, you too can -- must -- be unapologetically selfish with your energy and your time.

No one would ask a pregnant woman to attend an event when she’s feeling tired. No one would think twice if a pregnant woman needed to eat a special way. Or go to bed at 7:30. Or avoid any situation other than what she absolutely must attend.

This doesn’t mean you actually tell people you’re pregnant. That’s not what it’s about.

It’s about how you treat yourself. Strip out everything that’s inessential and treat yourself with loving care.

Start saying no a lot. Cut back. Go to bed early. Stop answering every text right right away. If you don't want to host a birthday party in your house because you don't want cake there, don't do it. If you have family over for dinner, don't feel like you have to serve them pizza. And don't apologize for anything. Be unapologetically selfish with your time.

I’m not explaining it nearly as well as Laura does, so read the article yourself.

My point is just that getting your bright lines back is really hard work. It takes energy and focus, and to do it well you have to take exceptionally, selfishly good care of yourself.

You can read Laura’s article on her blog HERE.

Self-Care Idea: BLE Treats

One trick I’ve been tried lately is borrowed from a terrific sober blogger named Belle Robertson who blogs at tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com

Belle recommends to her readers with drinking problems that for every day, or two days, or whatever, that you are sober, you give yourself a sober treat. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it has to a little special and it has to not be, duh, booze.

I love this idea for BLE.  It gives you a positive incentive to keep your bright lines. And, bonus, it teaches you how to treat yourself in ways that don’t involve your addictive-substance-of-choice.

As I resume BLE, I’ve been trying this myself. For every day I have clean bright lines, I get a little treat. I’ve got a list of them going:

— A new lipstick or tinted lip balm
— A few fresh flowers
— New flavor seltzer water
— Scented votive candle
— Scented body lotion
— New essential oil
— Car wash
— Pretty or fun mug with inspirational message
— Fun magazine
— Sunday newspaper (I don’t normally get this)
— Really good take-out coffee (I still drink coffee)

When I hit a big milestone (7 days, 14 days, 30 days), I give myself a bigger treat
— New outfit
— Pedicure
— Massage
—Eyebrows/lip wax (yowch but oh-so-pretty)
— New earrings
— Super-comfy pajamas

I’m no scientist, but to me the idea of sober treats seems valuable.

For one thing, as you are getting yourself your treat, you say explicitly to yourself, ‘this is my treat for having squeaky-clean bright lines.’ That trains your brain that something positive, something warm-and-fuzzy, something that feels really good, comes after doing the thing.

Like a dog, my brain wants more good feelings, and I hope will continue to associate bright line eating with good feelings.

The other thing I hope it is doing is training your brain to think of things besides food when it wants a treat.

So going forward, when you have a stressful day or when you want to celebrate something, your brain won’t automatically think of food. It will think of something equally special but not harmful to you.

Disclaimer: This site is not officially affiliated with Bright Line Eating or Susan Peirce Thompson. The opinions expressed here are entirely my own.

My morning BLE ritual

I love having a simple ritual that sets my BLE intention for the day and gets me into a positive mindset.

Rather than leap out of bed and plunge into emails, I like to ease into it. And I accomplish a few things for my nightly checklist as well, so it's win-win.

My current morning self-care BLE ritual goes like this. I wake up, get the coffee going, light a candle or turn on the scent diffuser and then sit down for three tasks:

1. Meditate. I make it a habit to meditate in the morning, before breakfast. For me, it works best to have guidance when I meditate. Lately, I've been setting myself monthly or weekly challenges. I might find a meditation I particularly like on YogaGlo (a subscription based program) or on the Breethe app and do it daily for a month. I've followed some of Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey's 21-day meditation challenges ( chopracentermeditation.com they occasionally offer free trial versions so you can see if you like their format). I like the idea that I've committed to doing a particular meditation practice for a certain number of days. It's easy to see progress that way and I don't like to break a streak once I've got one going.

2. Do inspirational readings. I keep inspirational daybooks all over. My current favorites include the classic Simple Abundance and any issue of Bella Grace magazine. I have some of the books Susan recommends.

3. Write in my gratitude journal. I prefer to write in my gratitude journal in the morning because my mind is fresher and more likely to discover creative, unexpected gratitudes. It also helps set a tone of gratitude for the day.

Altogether, these three tasks take me less than a half-hour (sometimes only 10-15 minutes if I'm doing a short meditation).

Disclaimer: This site is not officially affiliated with Bright Line Eating or Susan Peirce Thompson. The opinions expressed here are entirely my own.