Why do I overeat when I'm stressed?

"Why do I overeat when I’m stressed? Even though I no longer binge eat, stressful events almost always lead to overeating. It’s frustrating because I want my eating to be stable, regardless of life's circumstances."

I read this question on the website of another person who blogs about overeating. That blogger had some great advice.

But that question has stuck with me. Because it's so so so true. I too inevitably seem to overeat when I'm stress. Why? And what can I do?

Here's what I'm starting to think:

Over many, many years, you probably regularly overate whenever you were stressed. And that's totally understandable -- eating works. It distracts you from whatever is stressing you out, it zaps your brain into a soft fog, and it gives you a little jolt of happiness to counteract the stress.

Except that over time, eating stops working. It becomes awful for your body's health and it starts to become uncontrollable. Your brain gradually decides that this is what you need and must have whenever stress hits. 

To borrow from Amy Johnson in The Little Book of Big Change, it's like you've set an alarm clock to go off whenever stress hits.

So when you try to stop overeating the alarm clock is still set. Your brain still sends out the signal: "Oh you feel stressed? Eat eat eat eat eat eat."

The only way to stop that signal? The only way to reset the alarm clock? 

By ignoring it. By not listening to it. 

You have to consciously tell yourself that this is just an old alarm clock setting. It's OK, there's no actual need for food, your brain is just sending out old neurological junk. This is an old habit that you don't need any more.

I am NOT saying that this is easy. It can be excruciatingly hard not to eat when your brain is outright demanding it. The urge to eat can feel like the same urge to breathe or sleep or go to the bathroom.

But it WILL fade. It does fade. The more often and the more consistently you don't eat when you're stressed, the more faint the voice will come. One of the great wonders of the human brain is that is can be retrained. You can retrain it to crave other things -- things that will genuinely relieve your stress, rather than just numb it out.

So try this.

Step 1: Tell yourself this is just old neurological junk your brain is spitting out. It's old information you don't need anymore. There's no need to act on it.

Step 2: Do something that is genuinely proven to relieve stress. Take a nap. Call a friend. Soak in a hot tub with the candles lit and soft music playing. Put on cozy PJs and snuggle with your dog.

If the urges continue, repeat steps one and two. Keep repeating them until your brain rewires.

The BLE Party Game

Got a party to go to this week? Try this game:

1) Arrive late.
2) Bring BLE-friendly food with you.
3) Bring a BLE-friendly (that is, non-sugar) drink with you.
4) Post a bookend on FB before you go, committing to stick to your food plan.
5) Phone a buddy before you go.
6) Locate at least one other person at the party who is not consuming sugar or alcohol. See, you're not alone.
7) Find one other person at the party you've never met before (or don't know well). Learn three new things about them.
8) Pop into the bathroom at some point and do a quick meditation or prayer.
9) Leave early.
10) Bookend on FB when you get home announcing your big success.

You get one point for each activity completed. Get ten points, you WIN!

The prize: Get home and dance around your living room, blasting happy music and celebrating that YOU DID IT!!!!

Thoughts about a busy week coming up

The week of Thanksgiving is always extra stressful when you're an overeater.

Not only are you juggling how you'll handle all that food, you also have to deal with the stress that comes with any celebration: cleaning the house, organizing tablecloths/seating/menus, grocery shopping, dealing with crazy Aunt Helen. Inevitably, there will be some crisis like the central heating konking out.

One small thought I recommend you keep in mind: Anything you have to do will be harder if you're overeating.

Life is much easier when you're not flooding your body with excessive food, sugar, and flour. Everything. Scrubbing out the refrigerator. Organizing airport pick-ups. Driving to your mom's house. Dishwasher flooding. Cooking. Cleaning. Small talk.

It is all easier when your brain is clear. You'll sleep better. You won't feel guilty or headache-y. You'll have energy.

No matter how much your brain tells you that eating will help, it won't. Life goes better when you aren't over-eating.

Why it's important to say "I don't eat that"

I was at an event last night where sugary treats were offered.

I work as a public speaker so this happens a lot. This year is the 200th anniversary of the state of Illinois, and since I give a talk related to Illinois history, I've had the honor of speaking at a number of museums and historical societies about some of the remarkable people from this state.

And often afterwards, there is cake.

Last night, when someone offered me a slice for the umpteenth time, I used a phrase I've never used before:

"Oh, no thanks. I don't eat sugar."

That's not what I've been saying. For the past two years, since I started trying to kick sugar and flour, I've been saying things like, "Thanks but I had a big dinner, I'm stuffed" or "it looks great but I'm cutting back on desserts." I've even accepted treats saying I'll eat them later at home (then thrown them out -- I can accept the kindness of their gift without having to accept the sugar).

But I've never been comfortable saying, "I don't eat that." Saying you're full, or saying you're dieting, that feels acceptable. People applaud you for dieting (sigh). There's something that feels different about saying "I don't eat sugar."

For me, it feels like I'm being superior or condescending -- "oh, you might eat that awful substance but superior people like me don't." I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, or make them think I think I'm better than them.

And OK, that's probably not a bad thing. It's not wrong to want people to feel comfortable. And really, there's nothing wrong with saying "thanks but I'm stuffed."

But maybe, now that I'm further in my journey, maybe that's why it's important I DO say "I don't eat that."

Driving home, I started thinking about how we don't judge people who say "Thanks, but I don't eat meat" if someone offers them a steak. We don't think people who say "thanks, I don't drink" when booze is being handed around are snobbish (at least, I don't -- those people are heroes and role models to me). Certainly, these days most people don't judge someone who says "I'm not a smoker" if someone offers them a cigarette.

So maybe what we say about sugar needs to change. Maybe that's why I SHOULD say "I'm not a sugar eater."

How can each one of us help contribute to a world where sugar isn't available nearly everywhere and where people are applauded for choosing spinach and apples over cake? Well, one way is to get out there and tell people "I don't eat sugar." Be a role model. Break away from the herd.

It's a good way to convince yourself that this part of your new identity. You're not "on a diet" -- you're a non-sugar-eater.

But even more importantly, I really believe that this is how cultural change happens. One by one. From the bottom up. The more people who start saying "I'm not a sugar eater," the more likely it is that this will become unremarkable, acceptable, and even applauded.

So that's my challenge for today. Whenever someone passes me a bread basket or offers me a cookie, I'm going to look them right in the eye and say "no thanks, I don't eat that."

Abstinent Treats Part Two: Why You Need to Treat Yourself

My previous post was about how you can use daily treats as a tool to reward yourself for daily practice. In my view, abstinent treats are an important, much-needed pat on the back for the hard work of daily abstinent accomplishments.

But there's also another way you can use abstinent treats.

When you were over-eating, you probably had days when a co-worker pissed you off, or your sister-in-law said something nasty, or your kid screamed at you, and your first instinct was to eat over it. You also probably had days were something went awesome -- a work promotion! a graduation! birthday! The weekend! Tuesday night! -- and you ate over that as well.

Us over-eaters tended to use food as our "special treat" whenever we needed a little boost.

Obviously, if you're recovering from over-eating, you don't want to keep doing this. Numbing yourself out with food and drowning your emotions isn't healthy, either for your body or your mind. You need to develop new, healthful ways to bring joy and peace and happiness to your life.

And this is where abstinent treats can also be a powerful tool.

The same abstinent treats you might use as gold stars and pats on the back for daily practice, also work to help ANY time you are getting through something that stirs up big emotions.

Again, there are a few basic ground rules:

1. Do it even if you think it won't work.

I had a friend once say "nothing else gives me any joy but food." That's exactly why she needed to reward herself with abstinent treats.

Our brains are remarkably open to rewiring. You can rewire your brain so that when something emotional hits, it starts to crave something besides food.

Think of this as training your brain to crave healthy treats -- things that genuinely soothe you, rather than just numb out the emotions. Many of us turned to over-eating because we never really learned how to self-soothe and care for ourselves in any way but by using food. 

So … Have a nasty run-in with a co-worker? Go treat yourself to a sweaty intense work-out.

Celebrating your birthday? Splurge on a fancy massage at the local spa.

Got through a family potluck gathering without any of the sugar-y or snack-y foods that weren't part of your eating plan? Reward yourself with a new body cream in that fragrance you love.

Come home from a long day of work and errands? Treat yourself to cozy pjs and a great mindless romance movie.

These are things that are genuinely proven to soothe you and help you manage your emotions, rather than just drowning them out.

2. Do it even if it feels silly.

You might start to think "oh, come on, I don't need to treat myself to a cup of my favorite tea just because I got through my nephew's birthday party without eating any cake." 

Yes, actually, you do. You need to have that treat, and as you're having it say to yourself "this is my treat for getting through my nephew's birthday party without cake." 

I'm naturally introverted and getting through any big work-related networking event depletes me. So if I've got something like that on my calendar, I figure out a treat for myself once I get through it without eating off my food plan. "Once I get home from this event without having eaten anything, I get to spend 20 minutes soaking in a warm tub with my new bath oil."

Because if you've been an over-eating for a long time, getting through difficult event without over-eating is really, really hard to do. 

You need to explicitly pat yourself on the back for hard work in order for your brain to associate doing something like that with positive feelings, not deprivation. You need to reward yourself for doing something difficult.

3. It can't be food. It can't be food. It can't be food.

Obviously. And it also can't be alcohol or cigarettes or anything else that tends to numb you out rather than genuinely care for yourself. It has to be healthy and good for you.

4. It has to be special to you.

As with daily treats, it has to be joyful to you. If you hate massages, don't get a massage. If working out makes your skin crawl, don't do a workout. 

The idea isn't to force yourself to do a self-care activity that you hate. You're not trying to wrestle yourself into "I am soothing myself, dammit." 

What you're trying to do is to rewire your brain to immediately look for something pleasurable and soothing and happy when your emotions are going haywire.

Abstinent Treats Part One: Why It's Important to Reward Yourself

Lately I've been loving the idea of "sober treats" as advocated by the fabulous Belle Robertson of tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com

Belle uses the term "sober treats" in working with people trying to recover from over-drinking. But treats can work just as well for those recovering from over-eating. I call them "abstinent treats."

The basic idea is that we're hard-wired to like rewards for doing something successfully. We like getting gold star stickers on our homework as kids. We like getting a high-five for hitting a home run. We like getting "likes" for a super Facebook post.

In the same way, we get a warm, cozy, happy feeling when we get a little reward for successfully following a food plan.

And while it might sound silly, it's a powerful tool.

So if you're new to a food plan, or struggling to stick with one, try this:

For every day (or every two days) you follow your plan exactly, give yourself a treat. Obviously, if we're talking about people struggling with food issues, it can't be a food treat. But it should be something that's special for you and that gives you a little happy burst.

Finish your first day eating only and exactly what you planned? Treat yourself to a few fresh flowers.

Finished two days perfectly clean? Treat yourself to a fun magazine you don't need.

Finished three days with no breaks in your plan? Get a new lipstick.

Finished a week? How about soaking in a hot tub with candles lit and spa music playing?

After the first few weeks, you might not need a daily treat. Maybe switch to a treat every two days. Then later, maybe a treat every week. Whatever. You can figure out a time schedule to works for you.

There are a few specific rules, however:

1) It has to feel special to you. 

If you don't drink tea, then treating yourself to a cup of mint tea probably won't work. If you hate taking baths, a hot bath with candles lit isn't going to feel rewarding to you (although, wow, it sure would to me).

2) You're not allowed to say "I buy whatever you need anyway."

One of the beauties of abstinent treats is that it doesn't have to be something you don't need. It can be something you really, absolutely do need. It can definitely be something you would buy anyway.

What's important is how you frame it. If you really need a new pair of fuzzy slippers, that can be your abstinent treat. If all your socks have holes in them and you need to buy new ones, that's fine too. You just have to say to yourself, as you are buying it "this is my treat for following my eating plan, because this stuff is hard and I am rocking it" (or whatever wording your like).

3) It doesn't have to cost money.

You could treat yourself to a tall cold glass of fizzy water while sitting on your patio watching the sun set. Or cuddling with your dog on the couch for 15 minutes. Or reading a trashy novel you picked up at the library.

I once treated myself to listening to my favorite holiday song while sitting in a dark room with only the Christmas tree lit. Google "free self-care ideas" and see what ideas pop up. Again, you have to frame it as "this is my abstinent treat."

4) You have to tie the treat to your success immediately. 

It won't work to get yourself a fancy new car freshener as a treat for following your food plan three days ago. You get the new car scent thingie the day after your successful day and say "this is my abstinent treat for following my food plan yesterday because this stuff is hard and I'm rocking it!"

5) It cannot be food. It cannot be food. It cannot be food. 

I avoid even using a fancy version of some kind of food that I'd buy anyway. I won't buy a fancy fresh pineapple instead of canned pineapple as a treat. Negotiating a healthful way of eating is hard enough. You need to learn how to reward yourself in ways that do not involve food.

6) You're not allowed to say you can't afford it.

You could afford to buy all those sugary and salty desserts and snacks and fast food for years and years, right? Think of all the money you are saving by not buying that crap now!

More than that, "I can't afford that," it often is code for "I don't think I'm worth it." This is not true (you definitely ARE worth it), and one of the keys of changing your behavior is learning that you are worth treating yourself well.

We often suck at giving ourselves credit for doing hard things. You need to learn how to reward yourself for a job well done. This stuff is hard. Sometimes really, really hard. Sure, other people might not need to treat themselves to a new scented candle votive for eating abstinently for a day. That doesn't mean it won't help YOU.

So try it. Even if it feels silly and you're not at all convinced it will work, try it. Try it for two weeks and see how it feels.

If it helps you, you've got another awesome tool for your abstinent toolbox.

[Note: If you don't have a problem converting "alcohol" to "food", I highly purchasing Belle's audio  "SP005 - A Shitstorm of Treats (are you getting enough sober treats?)" You can find it on her website HERE at http://www.tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com/store/archivedaudios.htm (scroll down to SP005).

You can also learn more about her concept of "sober treats" (and get tons of other fantastic ideas) in her book, which you can buy HERE: http://www.tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com/store/100daysoberchallengebook.htm ]

What to say to yourself when you starting asking, "What is the Point? Why Bother?"

I was driving home yesterday from a gig that was 2.5-hours away. That's always danger time for me. Since my work requires a lot of driving, I tend to get easily restless and bored when I have too much time in the car. Audio books and podcasts help, but only so much. Eventually my mind starts to work itself up.

And if it's been a few hours since a meal, my mind really starts winding itself up. Yesterday, at about the 1.5-hour mark, my brain went off on a fairly typical rant having to do with my healthy eating. It went something like this:

Why am I even bothering? What is the point? Why am I doing this? Why bother?

It's a familiar refrain. Really kind of funny, when you think about it because rationally, I know the answer (eating poorly robs me of a healthy brain, is the road to heart disease and stroke and diabetes, just increases the cravings). There are a gazillion reasons why I'm not eating crap anymore or eating in an unhealthy way.

But of course my brain isn't asking this questions because it needs a rational answer. No one's brain really wants the reasoned, scientific answer.

When those thoughts pop up in your brain, there is usually only one reason why:

You're bored. You don't know what to do with yourself. Your brain has slipped into a crack (as it is soooooo good at doing) and is trying to exploit it.

In my experience, your brain asking "why bother?" is virtually always a sign that you're bored or restless or tired.

What it is definitely is NOT a sign of:

that you need to eat something. It means there is a trigger there which you used to respond to with food, but don't anymore. Your brain has noticed the trigger and is asking for food to fill it, because that's what used to happen when you hit that trigger.

So instead, I recommend doing something. Pick up a satisfying hobby. Take out a coloring book. Clean out your closet. Exercise. Make out your food plan for the week. Start planning your holiday gift shopping. Take a nap. Whatever. Find something absorbing to do and see if that doesn't take your brain off the ruminating.

In my case, I turned on the radio, cranked up some high-energy tunes and sang along as loudly as I could. Might have looked a bit odd to my fellow drivers, but it worked for me.